The invention of the phonograph enabled people around the world to enjoy recorded music. A wonderful invention that allowed the proliferation of music to cultures and peoples, the phonograph also allowed talented individuals a chance to shine. Today, with mp3s and CDs and iTunes, the dissemination of music is expected, even taken for granted in some countries. The phonograph led to the most influential, inspirational, talented, and amazing group of performers seen in this millennium. The ability to record sound gave us the likes of Frank Sinatra, Aretha Franklin, The Beatles, Bing Crosby, and the ever-touching musical soundtrack--especially the music composed by the great Gershwins as well as Rodgers and Hammerstein. The record, followed by the tape, followed by the CD, followed by the mp3 created an environment of audio brilliance. And as the technology developed, our ears developed along with it. Our tastes became more refined as technology demanded artists worth their weight in gold record sales… well, hopefully triple-platinum record sales. Artists must amaze the populace to achieve mainstream success. Their vocal talents need be incomparably amazing among their peers. Thus, the popular music of today is much more highbrow and classy than the aforementioned artists, as will be proven through a thorough examination of T-Pain, Ke$ha, and Justin Bieber.
Our era has yet to disappoint in its production and promotion of talent. In fact, one might say we are bursting at the seams with incomparable quality. T-Pain has a beautifully, incredible robotic voice. Some may blame auto-tune or laziness, but in order for that pitch to be perfected--that timbre to be tonal-ized--producers and T-Pain must exert a lot of effort. T-Pain is a landmark individual, pioneering an auditory experience that only a genius could deliver. The tone of his voice is such that makes the likes of nineteen-thirties crooners jealous. The sound studio available to harness T-Pain’s talent would make Sinatra shake with envy. T-Pain is today’s Jackson 5, with all the voices intertwined into one superhuman, super-fantastic utterance of unbelievable aptitude. What flair he brings to the table! As a matter of fact, I cannot name one single T-Pain song, solely because I believe all of them to be amassed into one conglomeration of unbridled, unmatched brilliance. It is also important to mention that T-Pain’s motivation for his robotics is clearly political: whilst he makes music that my peers dance to throughout the night, he is presenting an examination of the times. His voice is the sentiment of the working class. His robot is a testament to the banality that many Americans and immigrant workers face in low-paying menial jobs. T-Pain’s choice to present his gift is most likely a political statement supporting the rights of those stuck on the assembly lines. He is a part of the new era of music, a generation blessed with those who possess true talent. He and others like him live in juxtaposition to those classless, alcoholic fools like Nat “King” (a rather compensating nickname, to state the obvious) Cole who relied on the scratchiness of records and poor live-music technology to mask their terrible voices.
My generation has also perfected a style of singing that the crooners could never quite pull off. When attempted, Sinatra or Crosby or Cole sounded like they were chastising or ridiculing the masses by pretending to be so much better than the rest of the population. I am, of course, referring to talk-singing. My generation actually has people who are better than the rest of the population. Ke$ha, for example has perfected this difficult singing technique. “Tik-tok” is without a doubt the most inspirational song of the new millennium. It’s message is one of self-reliance: waking up feeling like P. Diddy (another one of this era’s greatest innovators), and brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack. Both actions require finesse, independence, and the class that the lowbrow Etta James never in her wildest dreams achieved. Not only does “Tik-Tok” espouse strength for women, it also advocates finding a healthy, attractive sex partner who “looks like Mick Jagger.” It is no lie that Mick Jagger is by far the most handsome, classy, well-meaning, talented man around town. Perez Hilton dubbed Ke$ha the “Swamp Thing,” most definitely because of her ability to scare us with her raw talent. Her gift certainly crept up on us, and the nickname clearly has nothing to do with her polished appearance.
It is also important to dwell more on Ke$ha’s looks. People attack her for being trashy, but clearly they do not understand the meaning of the word. “Trashy” is defined as “in very poor taste or of very poor quality. ” By not showering and wearing the same make up and/or clothing, Ke$ha is doing her part to reduce global warming by recycling and conserving water. What a wonderful cause to promote! It’s a very worthwhile statement to keep presenting to the public, much more so than Lady Gaga’s meat dress, which was extremely tasteless (oh, look, a pun). What people do not understand about Ke$ha is that her inspirational songs like “Your Love is My Drug” and her outfit choices go together like peanut butter and jelly: she combines powerful lyrics with powerful attire, and is a message of strength and dignity that all women should aspire to. Her bathing habits and song choices are clear signs of a superior intellect, an almost alien understanding of how to guide the populace to a better, more prosperous future.
All that talent and I never even mentioned her voice: Ke$ha’s talk-singing is extremely elegant as well as effortless. She does not need the big band or strings like her predecessors. All Ke$ha needs is a beat, and her “swamp thing” sneaky, limitless talent does the rest. The slight nasality and Valley Girl-esque accent she has hints at her higher-class upbringing that indubitably did not involve trailers or mayonnaise sandwiches, like the majority of the “singers” known during the twenties through the fifties. Ke$ha manages to sound so uncaring and ambivalent, the kind of shoulder-shrugging vocals that keep America’s youth productive and makes us set our sights higher than those she sings about. Clearly Ke$ha is smart enough to know that her songs, outfits, and voice are motivating my generation to be the best we can be.
Lastly and most importantly, I must discuss the groundbreaking existence of one Justin Bieber. He is currently the most influential artist in the world. I must say, Canada has a way with priceless exports (clearly I’m referring also to Avril Levigne and not Celine Dion, who in comparison is a classless, old hag). Bieber represents all that is good in the world. He has inspired hundreds, if not thousands of closeted lesbians to embrace their sexuality. In fact, there is a whole forum dedicated to those lesbians: http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com. Without the existence of Justin Bieber, all those teenage girls would still be stuck in the closet, miserable, with long hair and boyfriends. If Bieber’s parents had not procreated to produce such a profound prodigy, young people everywhere would not understand that celebrities are normal people. Bieber accomplishes this selfless act by purposely walking into glass doors (as seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kJjeRpPtY0 and here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9eDFPs1UCU). Not to mention his ethereal androgynous voice and appearance. His voice is almost as if a clear bell rings when he sings, and somewhere an angel gets its wings. Bieber has also selflessly increased the vocabulary of the remaining straight pre-teen and teenage girls everywhere. I expect the next Webster’s Dictionary to include: Bebieber, as in “I’m a believer”; Bieber Fever, as in “oh no, that woman has been struck by Bieber Fever! Only Justin can save her by performing CPR, and no, it does not count as statutory rape or sexual assault by that woman if he is resuscitating her!”; Beberian, a term coined for those who have not learned patience through their experiences with this man-child and act instead like savages, and Bebian, as in a lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber. There are dozens upon dozens more Bieber terms that I am not familiar with because I am aligned with the women who have embraced their homosexuality because of the existence of Justin Bieber without conforming my appearance to his. Perhaps the greatest contribution of Bieber’s is that because of him, eunuch’s everywhere will finally have an accepted place in society as objects of young, straight girls' lust.
There are endless possibilities for acknowledging the brilliance that the three aforementioned artists possess. T-Pain’s individuality is a brilliant parody of the struggles of the Americans and immigrants most Americans ignore. He seamlessly blends mindless dry-humping music with a progressive political slant, a talent that Bing Crosby never dared attempt. Ke$ha also presents a political agenda: the empowerment of women and the preservation of the environment. Furthermore, Ke$ha seems to use her voice as a tool to motivate the masses, as a call to arms to my generation to avoid laziness and pursue excellence. Finally, there is Justin Bieber. His impact is like an earthquake: he has shaken us all, damaged a few, but mostly just awakened us to the possibilities of life. The world will certainly be a better place because of the existence of these endowed performers and those like them. I would like to personally thank the inventor of the phonograph for creating the opportunity for individuals like those listed above to achieve much-deserved fame and fortune.
